Why Didn't I Say More?

As I was reading for class this week - "How to Interrupt Oppressive Behavior" By Mary McClintock (1990) - a few different situations popped into my mind. First off, there are many times where I have been witness to oppressive behavior and not only did I not act - I most likely didn't even notice. That is the difference between the person I was before I started this program and the person I am now - I notice more, I hear more, I see more. I am no longer blinded by my whiteness (so to speak).

McClintock states that, "taking action to stop oppressive behavior can be difficult. It is easy to feel awkward or caught off guard" (1990). The fact that it is difficult is not an excuse to not act - but it is a reason why many people don't. McClintock goes on to say that, "If everyone makes a commitment to respond appropriately to oppressive behavior, the ground work will be lain for creating settings in which diversity is truly celebrated" (1990). I feel my supervisors where I intern in San Jose have a strong passion for social justice and consistently take steps to advocate for students and diversity. However, this is not the same everywhere - especially in districts where there is less diversity within the community.

Specifically, I just started to substitute teach in a district in a higher income area. One day, I was subbing for a Transitional-kindergarten class with the help of an aid. She told me about her frustration with the staff surrounding the special education students. She stated that the staff and parents often preach inclusion but when a child have behavioral problems they fight to have them moved. For example, a student came at the beginning of the year without a diagnosis - and things in class were very difficult for the staff without the support of a personalized aid. During that time, the teacher told the aid and parents that this "was not the place for him". The aid told me this story with pain in her voice - she said she pushed back, "he does belong here and we should support him and his family". I listened with empathy and agreed with her sentiment - I asked if things had changed since he has received his own aid. She said things have gotten better but she feels there is still resistance from the teacher, who often doesn't include the student in certain activities in class.

As the students arrived back to class our conversation was cut short - but I will never forget what she told me. She felt like she was powerless against the teacher and the district and wished she could do more for the special education students. She tried to interrupt the oppressive behavior but was met with resistance and power dynamics. I couldn't help but think what I would have done in that same situation - if I was a school counselor in the same district. Was there a school counselor there who felt similarly? Did they advocate for the students the same way?

I wish that was all I had to report about this district but its not. That very same day I was conversing with the individual aid for the very student I was discussing previously. She asked me about my job and where I interned. I told her I worked on the East side of San Jose and was an intern counselor. Her face changed when I said this - almost a look of fear/disgust. She said "oh, wow, how is it over there?" to which I replied with an almost defensive tone (in reaction to her strange response) that the students I worked with were incredible and inspired me so much. She smiled and nodded and said "yeah, I could never do that but that's great!". Hmm... I knew what she meant and it hurt, she could never do what? Work with amazing kids? I was angry - yet I smiled and went on with the day.

Why didn't I say more? Why did I feel comfortable speaking with the first aid about the issues facing the district but I couldn't muster up more courage to call out the second for her microaggressive bias against my students who she didn't even know? The first aid I mentioned shared my point of view the second may not have - and I didn't want to face confrontation or disagreement. I feel like a defaulted back to a different version of myself, my brain told me to be quiet, not to make a big deal. I feel as thought I am conditioned to perpetuate privilege especially when I am surrounded by it. McClintock's words again come to mind, "think about the situations you have encountered and...the range of possible responses" (1990). I cannot change the past but I can be better prepared for the future. I will no longer stay silent so others can stay comfortable.

References:

McClintock, Mary. “How to Interrupt Oppressive Behavior.” Camping Magazine, v63 n2 p.32-34, Nov-Dec 1990.